i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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