I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
