I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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