I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize