You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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