I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
