I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
