Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
