Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
