i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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