Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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