see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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