Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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