i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
