Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
