my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
