I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
