More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How's work?
Spinning.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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