Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
