My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
