there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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