Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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