John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
