I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
