I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
