It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
