Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
