I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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