Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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