At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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