Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
