I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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