Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
