Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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