my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
