i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
