you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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