I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
