it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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