please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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