does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
