i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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