he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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