Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
