I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
