Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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