Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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