note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
