She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
