when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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