i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
how does that bad decision feel?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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