I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
