I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he quoted the bible to break up with me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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