I think I died a long time ago.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
