I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it hurts more in the daytime
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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