Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
