make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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