I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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