I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
